Ma vie, mes joies.

Calling my mother heartless is an understatement. 

Today I went straight after school to the mall. I spent every cent in my chequing account and missed my evening class because I was shopping for a mother’s day gift. I ended up buying a cute sewed picture in a frame, which I knew my mother would like, a set of lotions + shower gel + body spray + loofah from Bath and Body works, a bouquet of pink and purple flowers, and a box of white chocolates. I couldn’t go straight home, because I wanted to wrap the presents for my mom to open. I went to my friend’s house, we wrapped the presents, and I was home by 8:00 pm. My mother was sitting outside on the patio, so she saw me coming obviously. Her friend and my dad were sitting with her on deck chairs and they were roasting corn. I go to her and I smile and say “Happy mother’s day”. It took her about 15 fucking seconds after I said that to even look at me. She forced a cold smile on her face, just so she doesn’t appear cruel in front of her friends, because her reputation means everything to her. She gives me a mocking look, takes the bouquet and the bags from me in a way that looks like she’s in pain to even look at what I got her, and looks at me and says; “shame on you”.

Please know that this is not because of my gift choices.

It’s because my mother is a heartless woman by nature. She can’t help it. She NEEDED to humiliate me in front of my dad and her friend. I just said “you’re welcome”, and went inside. I felt like I was going to implode. Every inch of me hated her. I felt like it was such a fucking waste of time and money, and I shouldn’t have fucking bothered. Shame on me for caring.

I really hate my mother. And no this is not angsty teen complaints. I really, really, never felt motherly love, or ever felt happy around her. Either she’s always frowning, or yelling, or talking about how she’s better than other people.

And this Mother’s Day incident is one that I will never forget.

The flowers and the bags are still downstairs, by the way. She didn’t even bother to unwrap them. I really fucking hate her right now. 

Happy mother’s day everyone!

my mother is such an evil bitch oh my god i can’t even

This week’s rant;

I noticed I’ve been ranting more than “lovely-posting” on this blog like I intended to. But hell, if I have to pretend to be happy here on my anonymous blog too, I might as well jump out the window for that matter.. I mean, you know, if my own blog won’t listen to me.

The main reason I even started this blog was to feel good about myself. I wanted to post about my ambitions and dreams and plans, as corny as they were, just to get a sense of “setting the goal” for myself. I wanted to come back to this every now and then and remind myself that there are good things in life, and that I wanted to have good things in life and I wanted to be happy.

But I can’t be happy when the very reason for my misery is living under the same roof I am.

Dear mom; I know I should be appreciative of everything you’ve done for me to make me the person I am today. And I am, I truly am appreciative for the good education, the good clothes, the food on the table, and the roof over my head. Thank you for that. 

Thank you for the material things, that is. It must have been difficult to buy shit and give it to me and use the excuse of “providing too much” as a justification to how what you do is enough. I appreciate the thought, though. At least you’re not so selfish with your money as much as you are with your ability to feel like a human being.

I am eighteen years old, and throughout my life I have never looked at you as the “motherly figure”. Sure, you’re my mother, and the biological evidence is enough to put my argument to shit, but I can never remember you giving me advice, or listening to me, or trying to understand a point of view that I had. I never pictured myself running to you, to tell you first of all people, about a boy who hurt me, or an injury that I got and was too shy to tell anyone about it, or to simply just talk. The only talking you’d be willing to engage in with me HAS to be about other people, scrutinizing and judging their life and comparing them to us and confidently claiming we are better. I don’t like that. I hate that. We have never been better. I wish I was the “slutty friend” that you don’t like and keep criticizing. I wish I had someone to talk to about anything like she does. I wish I was the “fat, ugly girl” from school that you saw while you were picking me up. I wish I was the “little idiot” who was holding hands with her boyfriend, but appeared too young because of her petite size.

I wish you simply cared. 

I admit I am everything you called me today. I am inconsiderate, stubborn, heartless and my “head is made of shit”. But guess what, mother dearest, I get all that from you. I didn’t just grow up to be this person I am today because of the fucking elements or contaminated water or getting it from my aunt, or any other excuse that defers the blame from yourself. You made me who I am today, what I am today, and you’re too blind to see how you’re exactly the same, if not worse.

I know when I’m older I’m never going to have children. It’s set into stone and I don’t think anything can change my mind. Not because I don’t like children, but because I’m afraid if I ever have a child, I’m going to treat it the way my mother treated me. I’m going to be short tempered and distracted and I won’t give a shit what my child would be feeling. I already know I am all the things my mother is, and being a bad mother might just be another thing we will have in common, but I just haven’t realized it yet.

I might be different, but who knows? It’s better to be safe than sorry. I don’t want to bring a child into this world that will wish otherwise.. I know I wished I was never born to my mother so many times.. as horrible and immature as it sounds. But I’ve learned to cope. Whining about it won’t change a thing and it definitely won’t change who I am or where I come from.

The only thing I can control is how it ends. 

Goooood morning.

More like, good afternoon? It’s 1:33 pm. I don’t know.. good brunch-time!

Today what I’m hoping to accomplish is;

• finish reading The Bell Jar
• buy supplies for my art project
• actually work on my art project
• aand hopefully apply to universities.

doesn’t seem like too much to do.. but of course I am going to get caught up in a bunch of other stuff and finishing these four tasks before seven is going to be impossible.

Oh right and I have to return two overdue books to the library. Dammit.

Well.. right now, it’s time for coffee.. and some tea biscuits? 

Have a good day, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing! 

Stress!

My college/university applications have to be done by NEXT WEEK.

I don’t even know what I want to do in life, let alone choose a major or any programs. I am so stressed out! I know for a fact that I want to do something in the arts field, but I don’t know what that is! Sometimes I lean towards interior design, other times I feel so convinced I want to go into art history. It’s just a sea saw except instead of two options I’m at about twenty. I just want the next couple of weeks to be over with.

not-so-lovely post.

Last week I had an argument with one of my “friends” about him going back to school. He dropped out six months ago and he keeps putting himself in the shittiest mood and position and he is constantly begging for attention. I told him to get back on his feet and to pull himself together because the way he was acting was pathetic.

He didn’t like that very much, and he started calling me names. No more than a day later, I start receiving death threats via email from him and keyloggers. I was so sure I had made a heeeeeeeuge mistake when I picked my “friends”. I deleted and blocked him from every form of communication I could have with him. I scanned and repaired my computer from the shit he sent me and I decided to open a new page that did not involve him or the thought of him in any way.

I know for a fact that he is an insane psychopath and I do truly feel bad for whoever might be his target next and wish there is a way to warn them. He is pathetic and beyond creepy and I don’t really need that in my life. Everyday is full of it’s own perks one way or another so I don’t see a reason to willingly choose to get upset over something as silly as email insults.

So, the conclusion for this post is, pick your friends wisely! Don’t ever, ever, EVER trust someone over the internet, even if you’ve met them a couple of times. I don’t mean don’t be nice, being nice is important, but do not own up to people you’ve talked to twice in real life, online. Don’t make “best” friends on social networking sites. Don’t give anyone an opportunity to blackmail you and to threaten you in a way as pathetic as the one you previously read.

And believe me, this goes a long way. You will realize that you’re actually more fulfilled with your life if you have actual friends in your “real life”. Don’t make a life for yourself online. Sure, being online is fun and beneficial at times, but it also has it’s downs. This post was an example of them. The internet is a large, large place to get bullied in. You don’t have community support. You don’t have the benefit of directly proving your point if you’re not a fast typer. People will judge you from behind a screen, and I think that is a very poor quality to possess, and it’s even worse to befriend someone who does, don’t you think?

So, as always, have a great evening everyone! (and don’t spend all your night online! hahaha)

(Source: life-to-live)

How’s everyone been doing lately?

I have been feeling inspired but unproductive these past few weeks. I know what I want to do. I know where I want to go, but I don’t know how to get there, because I haven’t started trying.

I want to know for a fact that I had put a smile on hundreds of people’s faces one day. I want to know that people would appreciate my work and would find positive aspects of it. I want people to look at me and say; “hey, she’s done something awesome.”. I just want to start living my life and stop waiting for something that I don’t know. 

I’m in the process of making my very first official stop motion short film. I want to put my everything into this piece because I want still watch it years later and think “nothing needs modification.”. I know it will not be perfect, but it will be my first, and later on I will acknowledge that fact and I will be impressed of what I had accomplished, self-taught at 17.

I will be posting updates of my short film.

Have a wonderful day!

Things to do.

1. Perform live in front of an audience.
2. hold a “Free Hugs” sign in the middle of a crowded street.
3. Decorate a cafe or design an interior of a shop of some sorts.
4. Skydive.
5. Run a marathon.
6. Dance in a flash mob.
7. Lose just a little bit of weight (I don’t like having love handles!)
8. Shower and wear my hair out just the way it is, without fixing it in any way.

(Source: life-to-live)